Landon's Story

 

I don't talk about the day I lost Landon often. Maybe because that day plagues my nightmares or maybe because I think nobody wants to hear me recollect the tale. Considering it will forever be the worst day of my life, I often try to push it from my mind. Not because I want to forget, but because I don't want to remember holding him for the last time.

That morning replays in my mind almost constantly.

For those who want to know, are curious... I think awareness is important. I am going to break the silence.

Please be aware this story can be triggering. 

Be gentle with yourself.

 

To tell the story of that day, I have to tell you about the night before.

I was EXHAUSTED. I mean like if I stood up I was falling asleep. Not once since Landon's birth had I experienced more than 2 hours of sleep a night. My body was tired. My brain was mush. He hated sleep. He never slept. I told my partner at the time to please, please take him for a few hours. "I can't do it tonight. I'm so so tired" I sobbed. I kissed Landon a million times. I told him that he was such "silly boy, but mommy needs to sleep" My partner wrapped him in his favorite wrap and took him. Landon hated sleep but he LOVED his wrap. Within seconds of the door closing, I was asleep. Glorious sleep. I needed it.

The next thing I knew my door flung open; it was light out. My heart stopped. I knew before the words even came out. I knew he was dead. My partner was screaming. Landon's body was limp. I threw on whatever was on the floor next to the bed. I honestly don't even know if I put a bra on. Probably not. I grabbed Landon and rushed to the living room screaming for my partner to dial 911. He was crying and screaming. I grabbed the phone, dialed as fast as I could, hit speaker phone and threw it down next to Landon.

CRP. Remember you learned this. So I started. Shaking but rhythmic. Screaming when I was doing compressions. The phone was STILL ringing. Why was 911 NOT answering? Must keep going. Must save my boy. They still haven't picked up. The time read that I'd been on the phone for 5 minutes already. This was exhausting. I'm not stopping. He will come back. God why is he turning blue? Keep trying. Another breath. More compressions. " WAKE UP LANDON! PLEASE WAKE UP. I LOVE YOU. " Finally 9:06 the operator picks up. I scream. I yell. I curse them a thousand times while reciting our address. They tell me to keep calm. Asking me questions. I don't have time for this. More compressions. Another breath. Come on Landon. Please.

"They're on their way"

"WHAT IS THE ETA?"

"I don't know. Please keep calm. Help is coming"

This isn't helping.

9:37

More compressions. More breaths. I'm so so tired. I will not stop. I can't lose him.

"WHERE ARE THEY?"

"They're coming"

9:45

I hear the sirens. They're close. Please be close. Please save my boy.

9:56

Still not here. I have been doing compressions and breaths for so long. My body is shaking continuously.

My partner yells that they are pulling in. I grab Landon running as fast as my feet can carry me. Screaming at them to save him.

I'm within feet of the EMT. He looks confused. I scream at him to save my son.

I kissed Landon one. last. time.

"I love you. I'm so sorry"

I hand him over. Sobbing.

They rush him into the ambulance.

I try to follow.

They tell me no.

NO?!

Thats my son! Thats my boy!

"Go sit down ma'am"

The ambulance leaves. Another fire truck pulls in. 3 sheriff cars arrive.

I'm on my knees. Numb.

Silence.

Someone. I'm not sure who. Helps me up and over to the porch. I sat. Numb.

I dial my best friend at the times number. Please come. Landon is dead. Please come get Scarlet out of here.

My partner comes out with Scarlet who just woke up. I hold her.

"Where's Landon?"

"He is with the doctors right now."

Its all I could muster for an explanation.

I cry and hold her and she pays my back.

An officer. I have no idea who. Tells us to go sit in his car. We're not allowed in the house.

We sit. I read his computer. Desperate for news.

"Infant demise" with my address

I look to the officer. I told him I already knew.

He fumbles with words and mutters something about that's just how they input the call.

My friend arrives. I hand her Scarlet, her car seat and I think I mumbled something about I'll call you when I can get out of here.

I have to pee. Odd thing to do since you know, my son just died. But unfortunately, nobody told my body to stop functioning. I beg to go pee and was told no.

"Look I will pee in my yard. I do not care. I really don't."

Reluctantly, I'm allowed back into the house and told I'm allowed to pee, but the door must stay open, and I must not take too long.

I just want to pee.

I returned to the yard after what was one of the most humiliating trips to the bathroom I'll ever experience. There are so many people in my yard. I go to Scarlet and hold her. Some Chaplin tries talking to us and hands her a stuffed animal puppy. I'm so numb, it hurts.

Important people come over. Two men. They tell me to sit down.

It's coming.

"I'm very sorry. Your son didn't make it."

"I know."

"You know?"

"He was blue and stiff. I knew"

"Okay. Well, we have to do our job"

"Okay"

Two DCF women come over. Tell me to get up and make me go off to the side of the house. I threw up. 8 weeks pregnant. Great.

I can't remember the exact conversation. They were the most inhumane people. They were laughing and cutting up. I felt like I was on some sort of reality tv show to them. A joke. While my world had completely crumbled to the ground.

The important men want me.

"You have to re-enact this morning"

"No."

"You don't get a choice. Go inside"

I vomit again involuntarily and they escort me inside.

Inside I had cameras on me. My laundry is tipped over and the dishes aren't done, in any other circumstance, I'd be mortified...but today, I simply don't have the energy to care. I walk into my room. They hand me a doll and am told to repeat this awful morning's events for what felt like their amusement. They repeatedly asked me if I was "sure" about what I was doing while I fumbled my words. My mind is a blur. My eyes swollen from sobbing. I'm laughed at and mocked as I do my best to appease them, while answering questions. My eyes are nearly shut. They're so puffy from crying. I end up curled up at point clutching the doll sobbing. I probably looked insane, but quite frankly, I didn't care anymore.

Out to the living room. More questions.

I'll never forget one.

"Was he vaccinated?"

"What?"

"You heard me"

"Uh no. Why?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter if you asked me."

I turned to the medical examiner.

"Why does it matter?"

She sighed.

"Because if he was. I am don't have to do toxicology."

"What's that?"

"Basically, a chemical test."

"So, if he was vaccinated, you wouldn't look into his death?"

"We don't have to. It would be SIDS"

"SIDS?! How do you know its SIDS by his vaccine status?"

"Well..."

"You KNOW vaccines are killing babies and you write it off, so you don't have to tell people the truth!"

"Ma'am calm down."

"Fuck you. I will not calm down."

I noticed the officer moved closer. Probably not my finest moments. But I didn't really care, my ability to hold it together was far gone.

"We will be back. You can go visit your daughter now. But we will be back tomorrow. You need to go make funeral arrangements if you want one. His body is in Leesburg."

I called my ex. Landon's biological father.

"Landon is dead"

"Good. Now I can take Scarlet from you"

"GOOD?! OUR SON IS DEAD AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS TAKING OUR LIVING CHILD AWAY?!"

"Well I hate you so its only fair."

I hung up. I hate you too. But I don't have the energy for this. Not today. Not ever again. 

I rush to Scarlet. My friend hugs me. I watch Scarlet play with her daughter. We sit in silence. DCF shows up and questions her about me.

I had recently cut my family off. For good reasons. But I tried to tell them

My father picks up. "Oh nice of you to call you stupid little bitch"

"Landon died. Shut up"

"It's all your fault. You're a terrible mother!"

"My son is dead. I don't care what you think of me."

"You should have more sympathy. My grandson died!"

"Yeah."

I hung up.

My phone rang again. I didn't want to answer. But I did anyways.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Are you Landon's mother?"

"Yes."

He asks our socials, birthrates, address and a few other things.

"I'm so sorry."

"Thanks"

"I'm calling to ask you if you would be willing to donate his organs to save other children? Its okay if you say no.."

"Yes. Do it."

"What?"

"I said yes"

"I wasn't expecting a response quickly."

"If I can prevent ONE mother from feeling what I am right now. Then I want to do it."

"*sniffles*"

"Uhm. Are YOU okay?"

"I get to go tell a family that was just told no donors were available to give their baby a heart. I get to go tell them there is now."

We both cry.

Do I have to sign anything?"

"No. You gave all the correct info so we can accept verbal consent"

"Okay."

"I want to thank you."

"Don't. I don't need thanks. I am just thankful that Landon can still make a difference. Another mother doesn't have to face what I am right now."

"I'm so sorry."

"Is that all?"

"Yes ma'am. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome."

We say goodbyes.

I go in. Sit down and repeatedly try to make a post on Facebook to inform anyone who's number I don't have.

I was told many things. Sorry. You should care about how your ex feels. Are you okay? Do you need anything?

I had a several groups I was active in band together to help me. Donations pour in. Local friends start fund raisers. So many loving thoughtful messages.

Wow. For me. For my son. Wow.

I don't have the words for replies.

I read every single comment. I read every words of every message. But replies? I had none. I couldn't speak anymore.

I have to look at funeral places.

I put my phone down. Not today. Thats enough.

Scarlet climbed in my lap. Not right now. Just let me hold you. I can't talk. She fell asleep in my arms. Her body relaxed and she snored on my shoulder.

I pick up my phone.

Its midnight.

Today is over.

But my life is forever divided between before that day and after.

I didn't want to kiss him goodbye. I wanted to kiss him goodnight.